Soul Less

All alone in my head

My thoughts were clouding my thoughts

My insecurities came pouring out

How could they not?

I ask

I’m confused

I’m lost

I need help at most

It’s killing me inside

You don’t know

I can’t explain

I will go insane

No one can help me

I have issues out of this world

I’m thinking things

It stings

Control is a quality I don’t possess

I need help

I will go insane

I have no role

Might as well take my soul

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Silence

Silence. The act of being quiet. The expression of saying nothing. Having absolutely no sound. It’s so simple yet so complicated. It’s the undoable. To be silent, you have to be extremely strong headed and determined. To be able to ignore such comments or to be able be silent. It’s tough, but many things can come out of it. Try it some time. Do nothing. Say nothing. Speak nothing. Hear nothing. Feel nothing. Just think. You’ll discover things about yourself that you never even knew. But it will make you think about things you don’t want to think about. It will make you face realities that you never wanted to face. It could either make you or break you. That probably sounds corny and lame, but initially,it’s true. Personally, I’ve never tried it and I never plan to either, but for those who are in need of something and you don’t know what, try it. I think it could help.

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Stop Expecting

Today, I realized something. You probably don’t care…and I don’t blame you. You have your own problems to
deal with, right? Well I think this specific problem I have is mutual. I wouldn’t even call it a problem. Infact, it’s more like an addiction which eventually turns into a problem. Today, I realized my desire for attention and genuine love. You see, people get dissappointed often in their life time. I wish it was a lie, but it’s just not. A lot of the time, it’s related to people who weren’t who you thought they were…or somebody broke your heart…or somebody used you…I mean I could keep going on, but I think you get the jist of it now. I usually trust too easily. Anybody else with the same issue? I also tend to give my all whenever I’m attached to someone. What I don’t understand is why am I the only one who seems to be trying so hard. I also tend to run after people who I know use me instead of walking along people who are already with me. Honestly, all I want is to not be used. You know? Just to be appreciated. I want to get to know someone who loves me as much as I love them. I’m talking about ALL of my relationships with all of the people in my life. The only thing I’ve learned is NEVER to expect anything in return from anyone. It’s the only way you won’t get hurt. I can’t blame anybody but myself. Well you know what they say…Old habits die hard.

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Now He’s Gone

Lying there amidst people
His color turning blue
His chest not moving
There was nothing I could do

I wept like a baby
I wish I could have saved him
His life was now gone and
I was drained from all my vim

I know its too late now
Everything happened in a snap
It was just a single phone call
I wish it was just a trap

Its a day I’ll never forget
It replays in my head again and again
Now he’s gone and buried
Leaving me to go insane

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I Was Numb All Last Year

Death. It’s defined as the end of a life. That’s where webster and google went wrong. They wrote end of “a” life. For many, when a close one leaves, it can possibly be the end of their life too. Not literally, but in the way that your just a robot with no feelings or emotions. Your just flipping through days like pages in a book to get to the end that much faster. I was numb all last year. It was actually the first time in my whole life that I had experienced this sorrow. Death Experience #1
Cause of Death-Still Unknown
The first time it was one of my cousin’s. All I recall, is getting a knock on my bedroom door from her brother, who was staying with us at the time,
whispering that his sister passed away. I just stood there. I had no reaction or movement. I didn’t know what to feel. It was the worst thing I’ve ever felt and then seeing her immediate family members literally bang their heads on the wall made me feel like I was watching my heart crying on the cold ground. She was only 30.
Death Experience #2
Cause of Death-epileptic seizure
This was already a very dark day. It was rainy and gloomy all day long. I even had a typical girl moment where I just cried my eyes out for god knows why.
I went to sleep early that night which is really unusual for me, but I did. Until, I got a call around 10PM from my cousin’s abroad. I was actually excited that they called because I missed them. I picked up the phone with a huge smile on my face and ended the call with tears running down my cheek and my heart pounding like a hammer nailing a frame to the wall. I found that one of my cousin’s that I had recently got extremely close to passed away. I ran to all the rooms in my house to tell them and the worst of all was going to her mother’s house who hadn’t seen her in 10 years due to legal issues. I entered the house…saw the blank stare on her face…and in a second when I was walking towards her…heard the most terrifying scream of my life. She was only 34.
Death Experience #3
Cause of Death- Old age and sickness
My grandpa had passed away. I didn’t know him too well since he live abroad, but I constantly thanked him in my heart because I love my family. My dad has 9 brother’s and sisters all with a lot of kids. The worst part was seeing all his children cry. I mean they are all mature people and when I saw them break down like kids…I felt like the world stopped just for that moment.
Death Experience #4
Cause of Death-Unknown
Remember in my first death experience. The brother of the sister who passed away knocks on my door. Well, he was getting married in three days and we were going to his house to congratulate him. Right before we left the house, there was a call in which everybody just ran to the car to get to his house. This was something I wouldn’t ever expect. He was only 23. I saw the guys from our family carry him down the stairs aon to a small bed in the middle of the living room. I saw a glimpse of hope in everyone’s eyes that maybe…just maybe…he would start breathing again, but they also knew that was impossible.
I never knew how these things could ruin a person’s life. I’m still young and I have a lot more despair coming towards my way. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.

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Hiding a Secret..Is it Really Worth it?

I would like to believe that every being on this Earth has some sort of secret that they would like to keep to themself. You see, the thing about secrets is that they are impossible to hide. They will come out either now or some time in the near future. Yeah, it really does suck. If that wasn’t bad enough, you have constant eyes on you by who ever knows your secret. And you think…What is he/she think about me now? He probably thinks I’m horrible. And then we over react and say things about life—>My life is ruined. I should just kill myself. Nobody will like me now. Yea we all do it. But than there’s also the fact that everybody’s different. Some won’t be able to keep a secret while others won’t have an expression on their face. Some people tend to be an open book while others have to be opened and understood like one. I have secrets or I should say I had secrets and ofcourse people found out. The guilt literally crawled up into my throat like a spider every day, but I didn’t have the guts to say anything. When people did find out, it was the worst feeling in the world, but in a way I felt like a mansion had been lifted off my sore back. Secrets are like ripping a bandage off of a hairy arm, it’s going to hurt like a bitch, and it will be scary, but that disgusting feeling of having it on your skin for so long will
finally be gotten rid of.
My advice, just come out with it or do a better job at hiding them. 😉

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Losing Someone You Love

I assume you all have lost someone or something at one point in your life. Whether it was temporary or forever. It’s a fact of life and we don’t realize till it stands in our paths. Over the past year I lost four people who were all my close relatives and I didn’t have a chance to say the proper goodbye to any o them. So I’ve learned that words unsaid are worse than words spoken.

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High School

I’m a 16 year old girl and I’m not so sure how time passed by so quickly. I hate high school more than anything in the world, but I have this strange feeling that I’m going to miss it. High school is like that really ugly shirt you have and constantly complain about, but if your mom throws it away, you go all DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF on her. Although, knowing tomorrow is Monday changes everything because everyone hates Mondays. Well wish me luck on another boring, same as always, full of unreasonable expectations day at school. 👍

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Lifeeee

Everybody’s been through their ups and downs in life. People usually feel like they’ve been through the worst of all, but thats just life. It’s unfair. It’s this crazy, scary, yet beautiful gift. It tends to be a real pain sometimes, but those tiny mesmerizing moments make it all worth it. Yeah, there’s many more bumps on the road than you would like, but it’s our responsibility to to know that there is a straight road ahead of us.

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